So I changed my facebook relationship to it's complicated. And it got me thinking about my whole outlook on relationships now. I've attracted some polyamourous boys lately and I must admit the concept is quite interesting. So you've got this guy and he's with someone in a relationship but they're also with another person, or maybe with more than that. And the whole idea is that they can love more than one person, have more than one relationship and even get different levels of emotional support from them. And it's all completely out there and in the open, he's honest about it with everyone and he said it works.
And I think to myself, how on earth could this actually work? Back about 6 or 7 years ago, I knew a guy who was in a relationship with 2 other guys. They lived together, went out together (sometimes all 3, sometimes just 2 guys) and it worked for awhile. I guess that was the first time I ever encountered a non-traditional relationship.
I've had a threesome before, but that was more about the sex and less about the relationship. And, it was fun, but can I share my heart with more than 1 person? Am I okay with another sharing his heart with another? I think I have the answer, and it's yes. If I had 2 or 3 kids, would I not be able to love them all? Is love any different when it's for your blood? I love all my friends and the world doesn't end. Yes, I love them all on different levels, and I think the kids are the same way (despite what some parents say)
So, instead of complaining that my life is becoming far more complex, I'm running with it. And I love this guy and he loves me, but we are not limiting ourselves to being open to loving others. Our hearts are big enough to let others share them.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
That spark
Your blood flows faster, your world slows, and goes dim, and your body chills in anticipation of the moment. Your faces move closer, drawn by an invisible string, then that spark. It doesn't start, as most people think, at the lips. It starts in the heart, it flows outward using the arteries, each place it touches becomes another spark. And as you stand there, holding one another, lips pressed...the sparks fill you both, then the room, and then the world outside. And inside the spark, time is stopped and you know then what it's like to exist as one singular person combined from two. And then the spark fades away, and you open your eyes at the same time and you feel so safe and at home with each other and you know that what you two have shared is something unique, and you will be always searching for the feelings you just felt.
Heart
Write something from your heart he says, but what should it be?
Should I tell you about how I'm still scared about being hurt? That I'm not sure that I've ever really loved something like they talk about in the movies? Should I talk about the empty space in my heart that was carved out when he left me? Or that I'm afraid no one will ever be able to fit in the space again?
My heart hurts from the weight of all this. My dad's gone, but I hide it from my heart. My husband left, but I hide it from my heart. I speak the words of a man so confident in his place in the world, but that's not in my heart. If my heart knows these things, it would break and shatter into thousands of pieces and be scattered by the wind, never being able to be rebuilt. The Wizard can't give me a heart, no magic spell can undo that.
So, I hide my heart and keep it safe. But it's also unaccessible from any one that wants to help it mend. But can they fix it? The question remains, do I break down the walls, expose my heart for the world to see and hope that someone can mend it before someone else rips it from my chest.
Should I tell you about how I'm still scared about being hurt? That I'm not sure that I've ever really loved something like they talk about in the movies? Should I talk about the empty space in my heart that was carved out when he left me? Or that I'm afraid no one will ever be able to fit in the space again?
My heart hurts from the weight of all this. My dad's gone, but I hide it from my heart. My husband left, but I hide it from my heart. I speak the words of a man so confident in his place in the world, but that's not in my heart. If my heart knows these things, it would break and shatter into thousands of pieces and be scattered by the wind, never being able to be rebuilt. The Wizard can't give me a heart, no magic spell can undo that.
So, I hide my heart and keep it safe. But it's also unaccessible from any one that wants to help it mend. But can they fix it? The question remains, do I break down the walls, expose my heart for the world to see and hope that someone can mend it before someone else rips it from my chest.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sunday Sunday
Totally psyched for Sunday Dinner. Tonight is BREAKFAST! Not sure why I'm so excited about it, but it's probably just due to the fact that all my friends are going to be here. I'm not even hungry (thanks purple pills!)
I can't wait for all my guys and gals to show up. We're going to have so much fun tonight!
I can't wait for all my guys and gals to show up. We're going to have so much fun tonight!
Things happen for a reason.
This is a phrase I've been hearing so often of late. And I hate it lol. Try as I might to be the "shrug off the bad and embrace the good" I can't get this resolved in my head. So, I put it down in the form of a blog, in the hopes that it can be purged from my mind...and ironically my heart.
The infatuation is still there. I focus on other things, other people, on my work, on my friends. I try to get myself so excited for the day. And for brief moments, the infatuation dims in my mind enough that I can focus. But it's not really gone away and now I'm beginning to be concerned that it's more than a passing flirtation, a trick of my mind, or just feeling appreciated for who I really am.
This makes no sense, yet he's there always. And I want to say that it's just the fact that he approached me, out of the blue and made me feel...like I was the best looking guy in the world. But as I write that, I know it's not the case. And could it be the fact that he is so attractive and sexy that it drives me to madness? No, but that's certainly a major plus. Is it because he's not attainable? Well they say you always want what you can't have, but even as I consider it, I have to write it off and say it's not that either.
I think, mostly, I'm just longing for someone as good as he is and right now I can't find that guy so I focus on him completely. I feel so entirely silly right now, this is a guy I've known for a day and a half at best. How can I possibly judge him as being good? And I can't really explain it. I haven't felt like this in 6 years, and it scares me to be honest.
Oh Paul, the situations you bring upon yourself. Now you must live with these choices and just deal with the consequences.
A big part of me desperately wishes he'd change his mind, allow me to be in his life, even just a small fraction. But a bigger part of me says that I have to respect his wishes, and I understand exactly why he chose the path he chose. And frankly, I'd do the same thing in his shoes, I think. At least until I could get my life under control enough to have some control.
He made the choice that was best for himself and another. And in the end, by being outside his life, if that makes him a happier person, then why would I wish anything to be different? Hero complexes are funny like that, you know? We sacrifice our own desires and feelings for the sake of another. And sometimes others can't see the sacrifices we make on their behalf, but I think this guy does. And that's what makes him a fantastic man. The connection he and I share, well if it is as important to him as it is to me, it will be re-enabled. But I think he, too, is a hero in disguise. And he hurt himself for another. And I know he regrets the hurt he's caused me, even though it wasn't his fault.
And I hope he doesn't read this, because I feel like he would be tempted or even feel bad about his choices. Bu if he does somehow see this, then to him I want to say the following:
Don't regret your choice, I don't regret mine and I don't hold yours against you.
Don't change your mind, you will hurt yourself by doing it and I don't want that.
Don't think poorly of yourself or what you did, everyone makes decisions that aren't for the best, I know mine was not guarding my words well enough with you and putting you in a worse position.
And don't ever stop being who you are, you are made up of so much awesome.
He has shown me something that I'd forgotten, and allowed me to find hope. It's the hope for finding that person who is the key to opening a special place inside you. I don't know if there are multiple keys out there, but I'm open to finding out.
And if this guy is my key, then eventually our paths will cross again in a better time and a better place. And if he is not, then I will give him the biggest hug I could and thank him for showing me that which I'd lost sight of.
To my friends whom all read this, thank you for being in my life and allowing me to share this with you. I know you probably don't understand where I'm coming from, but that's okay. The simple fact that you are here makes all the difference. And thank you for not mocking the fact that, today, I'm 100% queer and acting like it. Melodrama and all.
The infatuation is still there. I focus on other things, other people, on my work, on my friends. I try to get myself so excited for the day. And for brief moments, the infatuation dims in my mind enough that I can focus. But it's not really gone away and now I'm beginning to be concerned that it's more than a passing flirtation, a trick of my mind, or just feeling appreciated for who I really am.
This makes no sense, yet he's there always. And I want to say that it's just the fact that he approached me, out of the blue and made me feel...like I was the best looking guy in the world. But as I write that, I know it's not the case. And could it be the fact that he is so attractive and sexy that it drives me to madness? No, but that's certainly a major plus. Is it because he's not attainable? Well they say you always want what you can't have, but even as I consider it, I have to write it off and say it's not that either.
I think, mostly, I'm just longing for someone as good as he is and right now I can't find that guy so I focus on him completely. I feel so entirely silly right now, this is a guy I've known for a day and a half at best. How can I possibly judge him as being good? And I can't really explain it. I haven't felt like this in 6 years, and it scares me to be honest.
Oh Paul, the situations you bring upon yourself. Now you must live with these choices and just deal with the consequences.
A big part of me desperately wishes he'd change his mind, allow me to be in his life, even just a small fraction. But a bigger part of me says that I have to respect his wishes, and I understand exactly why he chose the path he chose. And frankly, I'd do the same thing in his shoes, I think. At least until I could get my life under control enough to have some control.
He made the choice that was best for himself and another. And in the end, by being outside his life, if that makes him a happier person, then why would I wish anything to be different? Hero complexes are funny like that, you know? We sacrifice our own desires and feelings for the sake of another. And sometimes others can't see the sacrifices we make on their behalf, but I think this guy does. And that's what makes him a fantastic man. The connection he and I share, well if it is as important to him as it is to me, it will be re-enabled. But I think he, too, is a hero in disguise. And he hurt himself for another. And I know he regrets the hurt he's caused me, even though it wasn't his fault.
And I hope he doesn't read this, because I feel like he would be tempted or even feel bad about his choices. Bu if he does somehow see this, then to him I want to say the following:
Don't regret your choice, I don't regret mine and I don't hold yours against you.
Don't change your mind, you will hurt yourself by doing it and I don't want that.
Don't think poorly of yourself or what you did, everyone makes decisions that aren't for the best, I know mine was not guarding my words well enough with you and putting you in a worse position.
And don't ever stop being who you are, you are made up of so much awesome.
He has shown me something that I'd forgotten, and allowed me to find hope. It's the hope for finding that person who is the key to opening a special place inside you. I don't know if there are multiple keys out there, but I'm open to finding out.
And if this guy is my key, then eventually our paths will cross again in a better time and a better place. And if he is not, then I will give him the biggest hug I could and thank him for showing me that which I'd lost sight of.
To my friends whom all read this, thank you for being in my life and allowing me to share this with you. I know you probably don't understand where I'm coming from, but that's okay. The simple fact that you are here makes all the difference. And thank you for not mocking the fact that, today, I'm 100% queer and acting like it. Melodrama and all.
Bieber Fever?
It happened slowly at first, starting with Husky's Song and curiosity got the better of me. And suddenly I had "Baby" added to my playlist. But now, it's reached an all new low. Last week, while attempting to annoy my roommates, I put on Bieber and heard another song, Never Say Never and I was doomed. I know the "Rapture" didn't happen today, but I believe the world will end with Bieber.
Confidence
I remember a line from Shrek about how Ogres are like onions. And I always felt like an Ogre. Not because I am big, or because I might have a foul odor after eating pizza from Dominoes, but because there were so many layers about me.
You see, there is this boy. He’s a mixture of all sorts of things. He’s strong, good looking, confident, charming. And he’s a lie. Or, perhaps it’s more fair to say he’s an actor. You’ll never know who he used to be, and at this point he can’t even remember. He used to be a boy, afraid of the world, but that’s all he remembers.
There was a trip he took, and this is where the first layer started. He’s afraid of a man on the trip, because he looks like a thug and inside the boy is scared. It’s irrational, but he can’t stop it from happening. But then, he does stop it from happening. He tells himself to become someone different, someone who’s unafraid of this man. He tells himself to become confident and funny. And the layer is created and the boy makes a friend.
Over the years, more layers are added and not all of them are good. He’s added resentment and disgust now. He has shame and anger as well. He’s become something he can’t recognize in the mirror. Gone is the boy, but gone also is the confidence. And he’s in a place he doesn’t want to be with a person he doesn’t want to be with. And just when he feels like he can’t breathe from these negative layers, freedom comes quickly and unexpectedly.
He’s laid wide open, his protection is gone and the boy is exposed to the harshness of the world. And he has to act now, or he’ll be lost and die from it.
And now, there’s me.
The boy is gone, the layers are gone. I no longer need them to protect me. Every one of those layers I have absorbed into myself, made them my own and they can brought up at any time. I’m no longer afraid of the world and the things that inhabit it. I’m above fear, it can no longer live inside my heart. And so, I put on my layer of choice today and I call it confidence. I dare you to try to take that away from me.
You can’t, you’re still a boy, hiding in his shell.
You see, there is this boy. He’s a mixture of all sorts of things. He’s strong, good looking, confident, charming. And he’s a lie. Or, perhaps it’s more fair to say he’s an actor. You’ll never know who he used to be, and at this point he can’t even remember. He used to be a boy, afraid of the world, but that’s all he remembers.
There was a trip he took, and this is where the first layer started. He’s afraid of a man on the trip, because he looks like a thug and inside the boy is scared. It’s irrational, but he can’t stop it from happening. But then, he does stop it from happening. He tells himself to become someone different, someone who’s unafraid of this man. He tells himself to become confident and funny. And the layer is created and the boy makes a friend.
Over the years, more layers are added and not all of them are good. He’s added resentment and disgust now. He has shame and anger as well. He’s become something he can’t recognize in the mirror. Gone is the boy, but gone also is the confidence. And he’s in a place he doesn’t want to be with a person he doesn’t want to be with. And just when he feels like he can’t breathe from these negative layers, freedom comes quickly and unexpectedly.
He’s laid wide open, his protection is gone and the boy is exposed to the harshness of the world. And he has to act now, or he’ll be lost and die from it.
And now, there’s me.
The boy is gone, the layers are gone. I no longer need them to protect me. Every one of those layers I have absorbed into myself, made them my own and they can brought up at any time. I’m no longer afraid of the world and the things that inhabit it. I’m above fear, it can no longer live inside my heart. And so, I put on my layer of choice today and I call it confidence. I dare you to try to take that away from me.
You can’t, you’re still a boy, hiding in his shell.
Hello World
Prepare to submit to the will of the Imperial Overlord.
Or, you know, just enjoy reading my thoughts and such. Probably won't update this too much, unless of course people actually read it and tell me they want me to update it.
So, onto the show!
Or, you know, just enjoy reading my thoughts and such. Probably won't update this too much, unless of course people actually read it and tell me they want me to update it.
So, onto the show!
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