Things happen for a reason.

This is a phrase I've been hearing so often of late. And I hate it lol. Try as I might to be the "shrug off the bad and embrace the good" I can't get this resolved in my head. So, I put it down in the form of a blog, in the hopes that it can be purged from my mind...and ironically my heart.

The infatuation is still there. I focus on other things, other people, on my work, on my friends. I try to get myself so excited for the day. And for brief moments, the infatuation dims in my mind enough that I can focus. But it's not really gone away and now I'm beginning to be concerned that it's more than a passing flirtation, a trick of my mind, or just feeling appreciated for who I really am.

This makes no sense, yet he's there always. And I want to say that it's just the fact that he approached me, out of the blue and made me feel...like I was the best looking guy in the world. But as I write that, I know it's not the case. And could it be the fact that he is so attractive and sexy that it drives me to madness? No, but that's certainly a major plus. Is it because he's not attainable? Well they say you always want what you can't have, but even as I consider it, I have to write it off and say it's not that either.

I think, mostly, I'm just longing for someone as good as he is and right now I can't find that guy so I focus on him completely. I feel so entirely silly right now, this is a guy I've known for a day and a half at best. How can I possibly judge him as being good? And I can't really explain it. I haven't felt like this in 6 years, and it scares me to be honest.

Oh Paul, the situations you bring upon yourself. Now you must live with these choices and just deal with the consequences.

A big part of me desperately wishes he'd change his mind, allow me to be in his life, even just a small fraction. But a bigger part of me says that I have to respect his wishes, and I understand exactly why he chose the path he chose. And frankly, I'd do the same thing in his shoes, I think. At least until I could get my life under control enough to have some control.

He made the choice that was best for himself and another. And in the end, by being outside his life, if that makes him a happier person, then why would I wish anything to be different? Hero complexes are funny like that, you know? We sacrifice our own desires and feelings for the sake of another. And sometimes others can't see the sacrifices we make on their behalf, but I think this guy does. And that's what makes him a fantastic man. The connection he and I share, well if it is as important to him as it is to me, it will be re-enabled. But I think he, too, is a hero in disguise. And he hurt himself for another. And I know he regrets the hurt he's caused me, even though it wasn't his fault.

And I hope he doesn't read this, because I feel like he would be tempted or even feel bad about his choices. Bu if he does somehow see this, then to him I want to say the following:

Don't regret your choice, I don't regret mine and I don't hold yours against you.
Don't change your mind, you will hurt yourself by doing it and I don't want that.
Don't think poorly of yourself or what you did, everyone makes decisions that aren't for the best, I know mine was not guarding my words well enough with you and putting you in a worse position.
And don't ever stop being who you are, you are made up of so much awesome.

He has shown me something that I'd forgotten, and allowed me to find hope. It's the hope for finding that person who is the key to opening a special place inside you. I don't know if there are multiple keys out there, but I'm open to finding out.

And if this guy is my key, then eventually our paths will cross again in a better time and a better place. And if he is not, then I will give him the biggest hug I could and thank him for showing me that which I'd lost sight of.

To my friends whom all read this, thank you for being in my life and allowing me to share this with you. I know you probably don't understand where I'm coming from, but that's okay. The simple fact that you are here makes all the difference. And thank you for not mocking the fact that, today, I'm 100% queer and acting like it. Melodrama and all.