There was a firetruck named Jerry. He was brand new, fresh out of the factory, and was sitting in the sunlight in front of the fire station. He wasn't sure why he was self-aware and he was scared of this new awareness. He tried to calm himself, reminding himself of his purpose, he was here to serve and protect humans from fire. He glanced across the street and saw a little boy playing with a sprinkler. He was having so much fun. Jerry was enthralled, he couldn't take his eyes off the boy as he jumped around in the water, dancing and enjoying the water. Jerry forgot that he was a firetruck and raced over to the boy, taking a telephone pole and a small scooter with him in the process. Jerry was so happy driving back and forth through the water as it splashed against his windshield and mirrors. He was lost in pure joy and didn't immediately hear the screaming. He looked around and saw a woman pointing at him, tears running down her face and screaming in terror. He glanced down and saw the driveway was slowly being covered in red, the water mixing with red turning it slowly pink. He backed up, crushing a police cruiser with two officers inside who had responded to the distressed woman calling. Jerry panicked, not sure what to do, he tried to drive away. He had to get away from the horror. And then he felt pain, his whole chassis shook, as he saw a man walk into view holding a shotgun. He blasted at Jerry again, this time hitting the firetruck's fuel line. Jerry felt the world around him slowly go dark. Again he tried in vain to get away. Another blast. His taillights shattering and falling to the ground. And then, flames coursed around Jerry. Pain coursed through him and below his wheels started to melt and then popped. Jerrys' siren went off and he let out a long honk. Within a minute, it stopped and his engine slowed and finally came to a halt. Jerry, the first sentient firetruck, was dead.
Don't judge :)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
The one?
Is there really such a thing as the one? I don't know, but the question keeps plaguing me.
I met a guy a few weeks ago, he lives 1,500 miles away and so very close to my family. We talk everyday, not just the short "hey how you doing today?" but the crazy "I can't stop thinking about you!" sort of way. And it makes me question so many things.
I've come to the realization that my heart isn't nearly as stone as I thought it was. Back when the whole thing happened with my ex-husband, the craziness the need to speak to him to be with him was intense to say the least. And I sit here and I have to question to if this is the same sort of thing. The main differences are really just the time in which it's happened, and how crazily connected we are to each other. My ex and I had very little in common in our day-to-day lives. There were certainly things we agreed on, but equally as much we didn't agree on. And it took me almost a year (spread out over 2 years) for me to get to the point where I was willing to move 1,500 miles from home and my family to be with him. And even that was after we'd met in person, and all the baggage had come out.
And with Corey, I've shared every bit of baggage I've got with him, considering selling my house and leaving all my friends, just to be with him and it's been less than a month! And my voice of reason is SCREAMING in my ear.
So, is it the same as before? Similar, but no it's not the same. I am being impulsive, reckless, and so incredibly stupid. And I don't care, because I'm a bullet on it's way to the target. I'm flying through the air and if I miss the target and smash into the wall, well it was a helluva rush! But if I hit that target, square in his heart...(I know, so violent!)
I love him. I sit here with a shit-faced grin and I want to stab myself in the eye to stop it. But I can't. If we're fated to go out in a blaze of glory and it's short-lived, then it'll be a GREAT show. But, it's seeming more and more that he's got the key I was looking for. He's already unlocked everything inside, the good and the bad. And he's still here, he didn't run away and he loves me, not in spite of those things, but because of them.
So, Corey, I love you and I sit here on the edge with you, waiting to take the plunge into the unknown.
I met a guy a few weeks ago, he lives 1,500 miles away and so very close to my family. We talk everyday, not just the short "hey how you doing today?" but the crazy "I can't stop thinking about you!" sort of way. And it makes me question so many things.
I've come to the realization that my heart isn't nearly as stone as I thought it was. Back when the whole thing happened with my ex-husband, the craziness the need to speak to him to be with him was intense to say the least. And I sit here and I have to question to if this is the same sort of thing. The main differences are really just the time in which it's happened, and how crazily connected we are to each other. My ex and I had very little in common in our day-to-day lives. There were certainly things we agreed on, but equally as much we didn't agree on. And it took me almost a year (spread out over 2 years) for me to get to the point where I was willing to move 1,500 miles from home and my family to be with him. And even that was after we'd met in person, and all the baggage had come out.
And with Corey, I've shared every bit of baggage I've got with him, considering selling my house and leaving all my friends, just to be with him and it's been less than a month! And my voice of reason is SCREAMING in my ear.
So, is it the same as before? Similar, but no it's not the same. I am being impulsive, reckless, and so incredibly stupid. And I don't care, because I'm a bullet on it's way to the target. I'm flying through the air and if I miss the target and smash into the wall, well it was a helluva rush! But if I hit that target, square in his heart...(I know, so violent!)
I love him. I sit here with a shit-faced grin and I want to stab myself in the eye to stop it. But I can't. If we're fated to go out in a blaze of glory and it's short-lived, then it'll be a GREAT show. But, it's seeming more and more that he's got the key I was looking for. He's already unlocked everything inside, the good and the bad. And he's still here, he didn't run away and he loves me, not in spite of those things, but because of them.
So, Corey, I love you and I sit here on the edge with you, waiting to take the plunge into the unknown.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
It's complicated...
So I changed my facebook relationship to it's complicated. And it got me thinking about my whole outlook on relationships now. I've attracted some polyamourous boys lately and I must admit the concept is quite interesting. So you've got this guy and he's with someone in a relationship but they're also with another person, or maybe with more than that. And the whole idea is that they can love more than one person, have more than one relationship and even get different levels of emotional support from them. And it's all completely out there and in the open, he's honest about it with everyone and he said it works.
And I think to myself, how on earth could this actually work? Back about 6 or 7 years ago, I knew a guy who was in a relationship with 2 other guys. They lived together, went out together (sometimes all 3, sometimes just 2 guys) and it worked for awhile. I guess that was the first time I ever encountered a non-traditional relationship.
I've had a threesome before, but that was more about the sex and less about the relationship. And, it was fun, but can I share my heart with more than 1 person? Am I okay with another sharing his heart with another? I think I have the answer, and it's yes. If I had 2 or 3 kids, would I not be able to love them all? Is love any different when it's for your blood? I love all my friends and the world doesn't end. Yes, I love them all on different levels, and I think the kids are the same way (despite what some parents say)
So, instead of complaining that my life is becoming far more complex, I'm running with it. And I love this guy and he loves me, but we are not limiting ourselves to being open to loving others. Our hearts are big enough to let others share them.
And I think to myself, how on earth could this actually work? Back about 6 or 7 years ago, I knew a guy who was in a relationship with 2 other guys. They lived together, went out together (sometimes all 3, sometimes just 2 guys) and it worked for awhile. I guess that was the first time I ever encountered a non-traditional relationship.
I've had a threesome before, but that was more about the sex and less about the relationship. And, it was fun, but can I share my heart with more than 1 person? Am I okay with another sharing his heart with another? I think I have the answer, and it's yes. If I had 2 or 3 kids, would I not be able to love them all? Is love any different when it's for your blood? I love all my friends and the world doesn't end. Yes, I love them all on different levels, and I think the kids are the same way (despite what some parents say)
So, instead of complaining that my life is becoming far more complex, I'm running with it. And I love this guy and he loves me, but we are not limiting ourselves to being open to loving others. Our hearts are big enough to let others share them.
Monday, May 23, 2011
That spark
Your blood flows faster, your world slows, and goes dim, and your body chills in anticipation of the moment. Your faces move closer, drawn by an invisible string, then that spark. It doesn't start, as most people think, at the lips. It starts in the heart, it flows outward using the arteries, each place it touches becomes another spark. And as you stand there, holding one another, lips pressed...the sparks fill you both, then the room, and then the world outside. And inside the spark, time is stopped and you know then what it's like to exist as one singular person combined from two. And then the spark fades away, and you open your eyes at the same time and you feel so safe and at home with each other and you know that what you two have shared is something unique, and you will be always searching for the feelings you just felt.
Heart
Write something from your heart he says, but what should it be?
Should I tell you about how I'm still scared about being hurt? That I'm not sure that I've ever really loved something like they talk about in the movies? Should I talk about the empty space in my heart that was carved out when he left me? Or that I'm afraid no one will ever be able to fit in the space again?
My heart hurts from the weight of all this. My dad's gone, but I hide it from my heart. My husband left, but I hide it from my heart. I speak the words of a man so confident in his place in the world, but that's not in my heart. If my heart knows these things, it would break and shatter into thousands of pieces and be scattered by the wind, never being able to be rebuilt. The Wizard can't give me a heart, no magic spell can undo that.
So, I hide my heart and keep it safe. But it's also unaccessible from any one that wants to help it mend. But can they fix it? The question remains, do I break down the walls, expose my heart for the world to see and hope that someone can mend it before someone else rips it from my chest.
Should I tell you about how I'm still scared about being hurt? That I'm not sure that I've ever really loved something like they talk about in the movies? Should I talk about the empty space in my heart that was carved out when he left me? Or that I'm afraid no one will ever be able to fit in the space again?
My heart hurts from the weight of all this. My dad's gone, but I hide it from my heart. My husband left, but I hide it from my heart. I speak the words of a man so confident in his place in the world, but that's not in my heart. If my heart knows these things, it would break and shatter into thousands of pieces and be scattered by the wind, never being able to be rebuilt. The Wizard can't give me a heart, no magic spell can undo that.
So, I hide my heart and keep it safe. But it's also unaccessible from any one that wants to help it mend. But can they fix it? The question remains, do I break down the walls, expose my heart for the world to see and hope that someone can mend it before someone else rips it from my chest.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sunday Sunday
Totally psyched for Sunday Dinner. Tonight is BREAKFAST! Not sure why I'm so excited about it, but it's probably just due to the fact that all my friends are going to be here. I'm not even hungry (thanks purple pills!)
I can't wait for all my guys and gals to show up. We're going to have so much fun tonight!
I can't wait for all my guys and gals to show up. We're going to have so much fun tonight!
Things happen for a reason.
This is a phrase I've been hearing so often of late. And I hate it lol. Try as I might to be the "shrug off the bad and embrace the good" I can't get this resolved in my head. So, I put it down in the form of a blog, in the hopes that it can be purged from my mind...and ironically my heart.
The infatuation is still there. I focus on other things, other people, on my work, on my friends. I try to get myself so excited for the day. And for brief moments, the infatuation dims in my mind enough that I can focus. But it's not really gone away and now I'm beginning to be concerned that it's more than a passing flirtation, a trick of my mind, or just feeling appreciated for who I really am.
This makes no sense, yet he's there always. And I want to say that it's just the fact that he approached me, out of the blue and made me feel...like I was the best looking guy in the world. But as I write that, I know it's not the case. And could it be the fact that he is so attractive and sexy that it drives me to madness? No, but that's certainly a major plus. Is it because he's not attainable? Well they say you always want what you can't have, but even as I consider it, I have to write it off and say it's not that either.
I think, mostly, I'm just longing for someone as good as he is and right now I can't find that guy so I focus on him completely. I feel so entirely silly right now, this is a guy I've known for a day and a half at best. How can I possibly judge him as being good? And I can't really explain it. I haven't felt like this in 6 years, and it scares me to be honest.
Oh Paul, the situations you bring upon yourself. Now you must live with these choices and just deal with the consequences.
A big part of me desperately wishes he'd change his mind, allow me to be in his life, even just a small fraction. But a bigger part of me says that I have to respect his wishes, and I understand exactly why he chose the path he chose. And frankly, I'd do the same thing in his shoes, I think. At least until I could get my life under control enough to have some control.
He made the choice that was best for himself and another. And in the end, by being outside his life, if that makes him a happier person, then why would I wish anything to be different? Hero complexes are funny like that, you know? We sacrifice our own desires and feelings for the sake of another. And sometimes others can't see the sacrifices we make on their behalf, but I think this guy does. And that's what makes him a fantastic man. The connection he and I share, well if it is as important to him as it is to me, it will be re-enabled. But I think he, too, is a hero in disguise. And he hurt himself for another. And I know he regrets the hurt he's caused me, even though it wasn't his fault.
And I hope he doesn't read this, because I feel like he would be tempted or even feel bad about his choices. Bu if he does somehow see this, then to him I want to say the following:
Don't regret your choice, I don't regret mine and I don't hold yours against you.
Don't change your mind, you will hurt yourself by doing it and I don't want that.
Don't think poorly of yourself or what you did, everyone makes decisions that aren't for the best, I know mine was not guarding my words well enough with you and putting you in a worse position.
And don't ever stop being who you are, you are made up of so much awesome.
He has shown me something that I'd forgotten, and allowed me to find hope. It's the hope for finding that person who is the key to opening a special place inside you. I don't know if there are multiple keys out there, but I'm open to finding out.
And if this guy is my key, then eventually our paths will cross again in a better time and a better place. And if he is not, then I will give him the biggest hug I could and thank him for showing me that which I'd lost sight of.
To my friends whom all read this, thank you for being in my life and allowing me to share this with you. I know you probably don't understand where I'm coming from, but that's okay. The simple fact that you are here makes all the difference. And thank you for not mocking the fact that, today, I'm 100% queer and acting like it. Melodrama and all.
The infatuation is still there. I focus on other things, other people, on my work, on my friends. I try to get myself so excited for the day. And for brief moments, the infatuation dims in my mind enough that I can focus. But it's not really gone away and now I'm beginning to be concerned that it's more than a passing flirtation, a trick of my mind, or just feeling appreciated for who I really am.
This makes no sense, yet he's there always. And I want to say that it's just the fact that he approached me, out of the blue and made me feel...like I was the best looking guy in the world. But as I write that, I know it's not the case. And could it be the fact that he is so attractive and sexy that it drives me to madness? No, but that's certainly a major plus. Is it because he's not attainable? Well they say you always want what you can't have, but even as I consider it, I have to write it off and say it's not that either.
I think, mostly, I'm just longing for someone as good as he is and right now I can't find that guy so I focus on him completely. I feel so entirely silly right now, this is a guy I've known for a day and a half at best. How can I possibly judge him as being good? And I can't really explain it. I haven't felt like this in 6 years, and it scares me to be honest.
Oh Paul, the situations you bring upon yourself. Now you must live with these choices and just deal with the consequences.
A big part of me desperately wishes he'd change his mind, allow me to be in his life, even just a small fraction. But a bigger part of me says that I have to respect his wishes, and I understand exactly why he chose the path he chose. And frankly, I'd do the same thing in his shoes, I think. At least until I could get my life under control enough to have some control.
He made the choice that was best for himself and another. And in the end, by being outside his life, if that makes him a happier person, then why would I wish anything to be different? Hero complexes are funny like that, you know? We sacrifice our own desires and feelings for the sake of another. And sometimes others can't see the sacrifices we make on their behalf, but I think this guy does. And that's what makes him a fantastic man. The connection he and I share, well if it is as important to him as it is to me, it will be re-enabled. But I think he, too, is a hero in disguise. And he hurt himself for another. And I know he regrets the hurt he's caused me, even though it wasn't his fault.
And I hope he doesn't read this, because I feel like he would be tempted or even feel bad about his choices. Bu if he does somehow see this, then to him I want to say the following:
Don't regret your choice, I don't regret mine and I don't hold yours against you.
Don't change your mind, you will hurt yourself by doing it and I don't want that.
Don't think poorly of yourself or what you did, everyone makes decisions that aren't for the best, I know mine was not guarding my words well enough with you and putting you in a worse position.
And don't ever stop being who you are, you are made up of so much awesome.
He has shown me something that I'd forgotten, and allowed me to find hope. It's the hope for finding that person who is the key to opening a special place inside you. I don't know if there are multiple keys out there, but I'm open to finding out.
And if this guy is my key, then eventually our paths will cross again in a better time and a better place. And if he is not, then I will give him the biggest hug I could and thank him for showing me that which I'd lost sight of.
To my friends whom all read this, thank you for being in my life and allowing me to share this with you. I know you probably don't understand where I'm coming from, but that's okay. The simple fact that you are here makes all the difference. And thank you for not mocking the fact that, today, I'm 100% queer and acting like it. Melodrama and all.
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